Embracing Pain

...well, maybe not embracing it. More like, paying attention to it.

I'm lucky enough to have some of my guy friends keeping an eye on this blog as my Accountability Partners. Spoiler alert guy-friends, I'm gonna talk about 'female problems.'

Hot Yoga Challenge: Day 13 -yeah, in a row!
So my dear Aunt Flow came to visit me last night. She's sticking around for a couple of days...you still with me guys? With Flow came that throbbing low back ache that we woman know and hate so well. I usually use Flow's visit to bow out of any exercise. I told myself: not today. I had the day off, but it took me until 6pm to pep talk myself into driving to the Hot Yoga studio and enter the room. The instructor told me to "back off and take it easy" today.

I listened.

I paid attention to my body -specifically to the pain. About ten minutes in, I noticed that the pain was gone. For the next 80 minutes, I kept paying attention, kept looking for the pain, but it had left my body. I felt fantastic! I still heeded the instructor's words to take it easy. Ofcourse, thirty minutes after the final savasana, once out of class and feeling so good, I wasn't paying attention to the absent pain anymore and the low throb came back! But that was still a good lesson.

Embrace what hurts. Pay attention to it. And it just might go away...for some time.

TAI CHI UPDATE
This was not a good week for me in the Tai Chi department. But like I said in my last post, I need to have a pair of eyes on me. I've scheduled some time with the local Shaolin Guru. In the meantime, I'm going to try again and jump back into Yang...maybe I'll take out a dagger or my sword. Playing with the weapons might motivate me.

Meeting Resistance

Marathoners get to a place called The Wall. Its a place, maybe in the middle, maybe near the end, that they reach and then can go no further. There are physiological reason to this phenomena. With me, I think its just mental.

I jump into things feet first with intentions of full commitment and zealousness. I truly believe each time that I will not come up against a wall. And each time, I get smacked into the head with a Wall.

I have not felt like doing anything these last few days. I'll stand up to move and then feel paralyzed. I'll actually move, screw up, and then throw my hands up and stop. I'm doubting my memory. I'm second-guessing my movements. I'm mad at myself for forgetting and not honoring the knowledge that has been given to me over the years. I get really mean towards myself when I come to my Wall; each and every time. This is usually the place where I rewrite history and say I wasn't really committed in the first place and therefore can give it up for what I truly am committed to; then move onto the next thing. Do you see how a pattern could emerge from this type of thinking? Do you see how I could freely then leap to a new obsession and jump in feet first with zealous, committed intentions.

I'm at my Wall. I'm not gonna turn away. But how do you bust down a Wall?

Well, today I just stopped. Sat down. And breathed.

I recognized that I'm most afraid of getting it wrong. Of thinking that I'm right, practicing what I think is right over and over again, and then being told that I'm wrong. Its a real fear for me because I got something wrong in front of the Senior Master Teacher before and I've never let it go. I can shrug about it, make jokes about it, but I know that I will never not be affected by that moment.

That's not something that's gonna change over night. My short term solution? Get a pair of eyes on me. I think its time go see the local guru...

HOT YOGA CHALLENGE: DAY 9
My Wall reared up in yoga class too. My mind is reeling at me to leave the room. To stop in the middle of a pose and lay down in Savasana and not come out. To sleep in today. To not come back the next day. I just go into the room and breath. The teachers know me now and their eyes are on me. They're cheering me on. That helps a great deal. That's when I knew what to do at my Tai Chi Wall.

I Chika-chika Chin Ching

The second requirement to go from no belt to gold sash is to demonstrate two sections of the I Chin Ching. The I Chin Ching is a sister art to yoga. Its a very close sister and a lot of the postures and movements have sanskrit twins.

Some postures resemble breakdancing! I'll get to this one in the coming weeks, but first I started with Section I, which mostly has to do with the hands.

Now I've kept copious notes throughout my training. I even illustrated all the I Chin Ching. They're all organized in a great big binder with dividers and labeled tabs. Yeah, I'm that kid that always got excited about going school supply shopping!

So anyway, all of my I Chin Ching notes are there. The first section of the I Chin Ching is 'easy.' There's no balancing on one leg or on your head. Its simply collecting and moving energy with your hands. Below are my illustrated notes. This section of the I Chin Ching is really meditative for me, and I was happy to return to it.

Hot Yoga Challenge: Day 5
I've surrendered in this practice. I no longer keep count of my place in the 26 postures. I just go with the flow. The sweat rolling off my face and thighs is now welcome instead of draining. Today, the instructor (whose name is Swayn) smiled at me and told me I was glowing. I'm feeling really empowered. I know 5 days does not consistent make, but I feel steady and strong.

Chore Day

Today was my chore day. I hate grocery shopping and doing laundry on the weekends. So I take Mondays off and do chores.

It's 5pm. All groceries are away, laundry done, dinner served. I'm exhausted. No I Chin Ching for me today. But I did notice that there are some yoga asanas in the I Chin Ching. Bikram Hot Yoga and the I Chin Ching have the exact same first standing posture! So I kinda did some I Chin Ching!

Hot Yoga Challenge: Day 3
I did make my third day of Hot Yoga in between laundry and making dinner. Met a wonderful instructor who I can't wait to take another class from. She read from this book, The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo, during savasana. The passage told that repetition is not failure. Sometimes we need a second look, a second experience, a second smack on the butt, to absorb the lesson.

Sukhino Bhavantu

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.

This is one of my favorite mantras. It probably is my favorite. It popped into my head today as I sat acclimating to the temperature in Hot Yoga, and again during the final Savasana.

May all beings be happy.

At some point I changed it to "May Nakeesha be happy." And for the rest of the day I was.

No big revelations today. Well, except now I know why they have Q-tips in the changing room at the yoga studio. The wax in my ears was seeping out like hot chocolate!

Tomorrow, I tackle the first section of the I Chin Ching.

Constantly Changing

How can something be the same and different at the same time?

In addition to my Tai Chi practice, I decided to embark upon a 30 day Hot Yoga Challenge. I read an article in O Magazine about a woman who did a 60-Day Bikram Yoga Challenge and said it changed her life. A changed life is all well and good, but what I'm hoping for is consistency. I've had such issues over the last two years with maintaining consistency. I worked really hard for years to earn my black sash, and then I just let it go. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances: messy divorce, cross-country move, and deaths in the family to name the major circumstances. But my practice used to be my escape. I have missed it everyday, but I didn't move. Day in and out, I didn't raise a fist. Time after time, I didn't step into a stance.

I forgive myself for that. I've been carrying a lot around. I'm hopping that 30 days of hot yoga will cleanse me inside and out. I'm gonna start this. I'm gonna finish it. I will be a changed woman, in the sense that I will once more able to hold onto the juxtaposing force that is constant and ever-changing.

Yoga Challenge: Day 1 
In Hot Yoga, they make you look into the mirror. If you are caught trying to hide behind someone, either the teacher will move you or the 'helpful' person in front of you will smile and move themselves over. I did not want to spend 90 minutes glaring at broken down with a few extra pounds me.

When I entered the studio, the space was wide open; only about three students had come in. I sat down, making sure to leave a prime space in front of me in hopes that someone would swoop it up. No one did. I was a few minutes early, so I decided to spend the time meditating. Closing my eyes, avoiding the woman in the mirror, I began thinking about change. I decided to set an intention of gradually shedding the dead layers of old me. I envisioned new me, consistent me, slowly emerging as the dead skin was washed away along with the sweat generated from the 105 degree temperature.

The teacher came in, I opened my eyes, looked in the mirror and smiled. All I saw was my potential. The reflection smiling back at me encouraged me through every move and I felt such peace in that sweltering room, contorting my body in ways that bulged the fatty tissues.  But I kept looking at the smile in the mirror, and hearing the intention I had set in my head.

Ninety minutes flew by. I'll be back for more tomorrow.