Meeting Resistance

Marathoners get to a place called The Wall. Its a place, maybe in the middle, maybe near the end, that they reach and then can go no further. There are physiological reason to this phenomena. With me, I think its just mental.

I jump into things feet first with intentions of full commitment and zealousness. I truly believe each time that I will not come up against a wall. And each time, I get smacked into the head with a Wall.

I have not felt like doing anything these last few days. I'll stand up to move and then feel paralyzed. I'll actually move, screw up, and then throw my hands up and stop. I'm doubting my memory. I'm second-guessing my movements. I'm mad at myself for forgetting and not honoring the knowledge that has been given to me over the years. I get really mean towards myself when I come to my Wall; each and every time. This is usually the place where I rewrite history and say I wasn't really committed in the first place and therefore can give it up for what I truly am committed to; then move onto the next thing. Do you see how a pattern could emerge from this type of thinking? Do you see how I could freely then leap to a new obsession and jump in feet first with zealous, committed intentions.

I'm at my Wall. I'm not gonna turn away. But how do you bust down a Wall?

Well, today I just stopped. Sat down. And breathed.

I recognized that I'm most afraid of getting it wrong. Of thinking that I'm right, practicing what I think is right over and over again, and then being told that I'm wrong. Its a real fear for me because I got something wrong in front of the Senior Master Teacher before and I've never let it go. I can shrug about it, make jokes about it, but I know that I will never not be affected by that moment.

That's not something that's gonna change over night. My short term solution? Get a pair of eyes on me. I think its time go see the local guru...

HOT YOGA CHALLENGE: DAY 9
My Wall reared up in yoga class too. My mind is reeling at me to leave the room. To stop in the middle of a pose and lay down in Savasana and not come out. To sleep in today. To not come back the next day. I just go into the room and breath. The teachers know me now and their eyes are on me. They're cheering me on. That helps a great deal. That's when I knew what to do at my Tai Chi Wall.